I know you’re in a really hard place right now, and I know that it feels like it’s never going to end. That you’re never going to feel the lightness and ease of love and joy again. That something has been lost that you may never regain. That that nagging, pit of your stomach, dread and fear will never go away. That you will never be able to breathe easy and without that basest terror in your gut.
But I am here to tell you, that you WILL. I am here to tell you that I AM. I am here to tell you that everything you’re fighting for with all your little heart right now is safe and sound, here with me. I am looking at your loves outside this window as I write, and our hearts and lives are FULL of love and laughter. We are in a season of joy. We are enjoying the fruits of all of this horrible icky hard work you’ve been doing, and sweetheart, I just want to thank you for going through it for me.
We all do.
You are holding up impossible aches, so beautifully. This raw and hurty place is not your permanent reality, but it is the bridge we had to cross to get to all your heart desired. And I have that — because of you.
I know it feels awkward and clumsy and you don’t know what the fuck you’re doing — but you’re doing it all right. You’re doing it perfectly. Every mis-step, every terrifying unknowing, every bold and yet shaky next step, you never got a bit of it wrong.
It brought us here.
The home you’ve always wanted, the home you’ve always dreamed of… is real in every sense of the word. The home within yourself, the home within your family, and the actual home made of wood, stone and light all around you — they’re all here. You could never imagine how far we have come and how much has changed in just 5 short years from where you are.
But you don’t need to worry about it, sweet pea.
Breathe. Let yourself be in this.
Believe it or not there are times now when you will ache for the sheer rawness and depth of the intensity you’re feeling right now, you will actually miss it every now and again - the drama and preciousness that you only truly feel when you’re afraid you’re gonna lose it all at any second.
It’s a gift.
You are coming to life. Which almost always involves a lot of dying. Metaphorically and literally. It sucks. It’s awful. I know.
The balls have all been flung into the air, and not yet dropped. The puzzle and its pieces are split in the ethos and flitting in the sky like stubborn birds. You don’t know how it’ll all come together again. You ache to know yourself and your world with the simplicity and certainty that you did not long ago — but it’s not happening.
It will. This I promise you. Just keep waking up, keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep being with yourself, and keep that light in your heart well alive.
It’s like you always say, when you’re out there walking by the stream, trying to make sense of it all and not knowing how, wanting to be sure of things you can’t be sure of, when you make your hand into a soft little fist and beat it like a heart on your womb three times …
“trust. these. waves.”
They will deliver you.
You know this.
That’s why you say this, and do this. Because it’s your gut you are tapping, your wisdom knows this already. Somehow in that moment you have knocked on my door, and I have answered, and shown you… all is well.
Every time a wave recedes it has left new treasures on your shore. And every time, you’re a bit less terrified of the next wave to come and bowl you over.
Trust. These. Waves.
They are delivering all that you have asked. Although certainty is an absolute stranger to you now, I can tell you from where I am, that they HAVE.
You would not believe the joy that’s in store for you, you would not believe what’s become of that mess. I am not going to spoil the surprise, but it is going to take your breath away.
You’re in a season, my sweet, brave, wonderful girl. You’re in a season, that’s all. There will be others. Just like this summer that feels like it’s never. going. to. end.
The wretched heat will suddenly be gone and the cold will set in, and soon enough… you’ll feel nostalgic for the swimming (but also really fucking glad for jacket weather).
So this is me, just here to let you know that all of your dreams for your life have come true. And in usual Sunni fashion, you’ve already dreamed up new ones, so we can do this whole thing all over again. But each time, from a new and yet more rooted place.
That’s life! Never done. Always growing. Always changing. Always wanting… because the wanting is what makes the journey possible at all. And the journey is what it’s all about.
So, hang on sweet pea.
It’s the ride of your life.