I am feeling ever so profoundly vulnerable as of late.
That’s what it is… if I had to boil this all down to a single adjective, that covers it. That's what all this is, in a nutshell. Total and complete vulnerability. Since Kita died I have felt totally stripped of my protections. The usual safeties and securities that held me, seemed to vanish right along with him.
I feel entirely unsafe.
Not really, but more unsafe than I’ve ever felt before. More vulnerable than I’ve ever felt before. Unguarded. Unprotected from the whims and will of life. Unsheltered from hurt, loss or failure.
And it stings.
I cannot tell a lie—right now—it only stings.
I feel the sheer anxiety of myself scrambling for protections. For security. Even though I know it doesn't exist. I don’t know how to do this. How to "manage" this. I keep on as if I'm wrestling with it. I keep trying to break out and break free.
But I can’t.
It’s not an option.
All the usual tricks don’t work: figure it out on paper, move past it that way. recognize emotional road blocks or beliefs, get past it that way. get new work or purpose and just move on in an ultra-practical manner, get past it that way. be mega responsible and do all the right things, try it that way....
Nope, nope. nope and nope.
None of it is working.
Because I keep trying to use this current state of being as an obstacle, a road block or a stepping stone, the next rung on the ladder I can leverage to GET the fuck OUT.
But it doesn't happen. It simply isn't having it.
Because this state—whatsoever it may be—is not an obstacle. It's not a "road block" to magic.
It is the magic.
In all its sickly sticky discomfort, and all its bottomless, can't-hold-on-to-it-ness, and all its murky sorrows and joys... that's life. Complete without a SINGLE guarantee.
Except the ride, itself.
The profoundly messy miracle of being totally unsheltered from hurt, loss, or failure. Totally unguarded against joy, love and success. Utterly unsafe from all manner of sweetness and bitterness, giddiness and gloom. Absolutely unprotected from good and grief and giving... from fear, and wonder... and awe.
Totally open. Totally exposed...