I thought I’d take this moment to write you, and to just be honest with you, since you’ve been so honest with me.
That’s how we roll you and me, you don’t let me off the hook, I don’t let you off either. I have to admit, I didn’t really see you coming. You were a little rougher on me than the ones before you. You broke out the sand paper, and you definitely weren’t delicate. And like the many years before you, I am both gratefully in awe of your wonders… and also a little miffed.
Because I don’t understand why the beings I love have to hurt or get sick.
But mostly… because I do.
Because I do understand the immense unspeakable gift that is born of this dream of impermanence.
Because I don’t understand why I have to be reminded that our own brick and mortar, skin and bones, do not come with a precise recipe for perfect baking — not a single instruction manual in the joint! No ultimate authority who can tell us “what to do about ______”, or “fix figure A with figure B”… No. You are not cut and dry like that. But mostly… because I do.
Because I do understand that having no “one right” answer or “fix”, leaves open this wild irreverent ride of our precious and many life stories. No way to tell where one turn leads, no ability at all to know what’s next. Just a shot in the dark and the whip of life’s melody… singing, as always, its very own tune.
So these are my chief complaints you see,
but they are also my boon and my joy.
Just how exactly do you do that? Get me so mad I could throw you to the lions, and then turn right around and make me BEAM… make me laugh and cry at the raucous mess I fell in love with… again… and again… and again one more time.
And just when I’m ready to throw you out screaming, you slip yourself quietly out the door - in one night.
And the truth is, I hate to see you go. But also, mostly… because I love to see you go. Because that is precisely the moment that I can truly see your brilliance.
So on this last night of your life — my sweet, excruciating 2015 — I do what I know you would want me to do: I celebrate your every moment of burden and benevolence, I raise my glass in cheers to you and I burn it all down to the ground. Burn it down till there’s nothing left but the tiniest spark… to burn once again brand new.
Thank you for everything you were and are, which is sure to shine bright in all kinds of new ways in your precious little baby 16’. ;)
I know you are with me in welcoming this new year, and eager to see what becomes of her. I promise to try to keep her out of trouble, though you and me both know it’ll be of no use.
Just one more thing before we say goodbye, and I say this with all possible sincerity:
That I get to know your stories at all, is truly my greatest treasure.
To love, or to hate them, is my privilege and gift. ♥
So thank you, and F-you, and I know you know—
I love you ♥