So I'm turning 35 tomorrow. (and yes, I did feel it was necessary to include the obligatory sun-rays picture) To be honest birthdays have felt more and more inconsequential to me these days, I don't mind them coming, but they don't feel like a really big deal either. Just a nice day… with possible cake. ;)
But today I suddenly thought about my 30th birthday, and the 5 years that have passed since then. For it was on my 30th birthday that I suddenly and inexplicably knew that the throwing up, starving, and being just generally violent to myself, was done.
It doesn't feel like 5 years ago that that was my reality, it honestly feels like a whole other LIFETIME to me now. It's hard to even imagine that I ever lived that way, like that was a whole other person, and yet… there she is. A story that continually unfolds as this apparent Sunni.
When I think about how quickly that 5 years went by, and how profoundly everything changed, it is difficult to comprehend. How can something feel like so long ago, and yet like just yesterday?
And of course the answer is obvious. Because it is only ever, here, now. Every instant that appears to arise, is already gone by the time the mind labels it. In reality, it's just a constant, total, wide-open un-knowing coming at us.
When you begin to live in that, it becomes quickly apparent that ANYTHING could happen, at ANY time.
The mind boggles at what the next 5 years could bring, or the next 5 days, or that it would even have 5 more years, or days, at all… and then it drops back into it's home, where it already has everything, and always has.
It's the looking that hides the finding.
We step outside of ourselves in order to look for ourselves… how on earth could that ever work out? We try to find ourselves in myriad things - those days I was trying to find myself in a body or beauty that would be loved and/or accepted, other days I tried to find myself in success or accomplishment or money, and other days I tried to find myself in schools of thought, or social groups or spirituality.
And all the while… there is only THIS looking for THIS. LIFE, looking for LIFE. LOVE, looking for LOVE.
It is the very thing it seeks.
So these days, I don't mind if you think I'm ugly, or out of shape. I don't mind if you think I'm a failure or a nobody. I don't mind if you think I've lost my marbles, or I'm ignorant, or that I am totally out of alignment with this or that. Because there's nothing anyone could think that I haven't already thought myself, and put to the test. There's nothing that I'm unwilling to look at, and question the truth of, because everywhere I look there's just LIFE life life…
looking for itself.
Sometimes painfully stabbing itself to pieces, and sometimes loving itself up. Sometimes laughing and sometimes crying, sometimes yelling, and sometimes being ever-so-gentle… but ALWAYS… looking for itself.
And it's beyond beautiful… all of it.
So this year, on my 35th year, I will not resolve to get in shape, or to achieve this or that, or to be more financially secure, or to get more "in touch" with myself, or to win over more people, or to spend more time meditating, doing yoga, or going gluten-free (sugar-free or food-free); I will not resolve to be more clever, or cerebral, or to realize my limitless potential…
This year… this moment, this instant… I am FOUND. Complete. Done. Fully-Baked. Perfectaroni-sanfrancisco.
No one has ever been lost, or incomplete. There is only this one seamless, gorgeous, chaotic, mad-wonderful, vivid as all-hell ALIVENESS, appearing as everything, everywhere, at all times. An infinitely full and incomprehensible mystery, that's constantly shrouded in a super-chatty mind.
And jokester that life is... it's not til' the search is dropped, that IT is finally found. Staring you in the face the whole time,
totally absurd and totally wonderful.
But hey, enough of that serious business... isn't today your un-birthday? Oh my, yes it IS your un-birthday! Come on, wild one…