Mothering is hard.
It's as if someone has asked you to walk this IMPOSSIBLE line between knowing when to trust the innate wisdom of this brilliant being you've known and loved since day one... and when to step the hell in and freakin' DO SOMETHING already.
When they're small it seems much easier... "don't walk out in front of speeding cars", " don't play with knives", "don't drink bleach" ... everything is cut and dry, black and white. It's a simple matter of keeping them alive.
When they've grown... it's all a grey area.
There are no more simple answers.
Everything's up for debate.
Successes and failures are totally subjective—utterly dependent on the one who's doing the defining. Wins and losses are entirely different things to different people. The things that could hurt them or even kill them, could also be the defining parts of their story... the things that are "good for them" could also be the things that hold them down. And it's always too soon to tell which one it is, cause it's always only ever still RIGHT NOW.
So here you are... in this impossible position of trying to be responsible for this being, which means you're supposed to have all the right answers and know all the right directions in order to do that effectively, but the problem with "having all the answers" is, of course, that... NOBODY DOES. Not really. Not at all.
So you're left not knowing when to just watch and love and be there for them, and when to speak-up, or action-up and bring out the mom-beast, cause it just might be the thing that saves them?! You never get to know which one it is. It's a shot in the dark every time.
Of course all of this rests on the notion that we're in control here. But if that were the case, this whole thing would be moot. There would be no fear if we had that control... cause we'd just control-it-all-up-in-here and fix that shit, STAT... so there would be nothing left to fear. It'd be all perfectly control-ified. But lord knows it isn't. Not even close. And besides... how could I possibly drive this bus unless I knew exactly where it's going?
We don't know where it's going, people.
That's the ride.
This brilliant precious being of mine is experiencing the yes's and no's for himself now, he's making his own calls, he's finding out how life tastes and feels despite my guidance, he's been doing it for a long time. And people... it scares the living shit out of me. I cannot tell a lie. I don't know exactly what my job is here, or if I've ever done it "right", but what I do know, is that I don't know...
I don't know the whole well and world of his experience.
Just as he can't know mine.
How could I even begin to judge a life I have not touched, and tasted and felt the way he has? The way that only he, ever will. An entire intricate universe of experience that is his, and only his. How could I deem it worth-while, or not, when he's the only one equipped to do so.
And still... we want our children to be happy.
So we sometimes pull the feathers from the nest.
...knowing that it might just hurt them,
knowing that it hurts us just as much...
But it's all love knows to do.
"I just want them to be happy", we say.
But just as your children cannot see all your joys and your sorrows,
so can you not see all theirs.
You don't need to do the impossible.
You just need to know they're
They're trying to do the impossible too.