Sometimes I worry that I've alienated you. That I've disappointed you. Or made you disappointed in me. This story line comes and goes as I attempt to walk the tight rope that is telling it "the way it is", whilst simultaneously pointing out that "the way it is" isn't REALLY the way it is at all. ;)
But stories are the way of it, and this is the place where I tell them.
I do notice, to no surprise at all, that the writings that are not about fixing you, are far, far less popular.
And that's okay. I completely get it. The cycle of self-bettering seems an immense comfort, I know. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with it, it too, is just part of what is — life being life. It's all good. But you know what else is all good? Me calling self-bettering what it is. For me. So I can recognize what I am, always... which is all of it.
It was a bitter pill to swallow AT FIRST, but self-bettering is just another carrot hung from the donkeys back. Right in front of you, but just out of reach. You never ever get there, because it's not here, and "here" is literally ALL THERE IS. It is literally all you have, ever. And what does it do to "here" to always be chasing "there"? To always be just a stones throw away from that image of perfection? Is the image money? is it body? is it beauty? is it success? is it creature comforts? Is it a totally well-adjusted n0n-reactive me? The image shows up in all kinds of ways, it's the tale of your 'sweet perfected existence'... and it takes some cohones to look at that image and see what you're really running towards, and FROM.
Running from life AS IT IS. A f-ing impossible task my love, because you are NONE OTHER than life itself. Just take one honest look and tell me where "you" end and "it" begins?
But don't worry... the story plays on! People don't stop chasing dreams, that's what people do. People don't stop trying to be better versions of themselves, that's what people do. It's fine, it's beautiful even!! But can we just get real and call it what it is? Can we just stop pretending that it's in some class of its own with special status? Because it isn't. To think that it is, is just another attempt to be something other than all of life.
Thought is the only thing that would speak of such an attempt. The only thing that would separate you into the "good", the "bad" and the "ugly". If you set all thought-stories aside for a moment, is there any such class system at all?
Right about now you are probably thinking - "dear gawd, that is utterly depressing!!" That's right, it can seem depressing that that image you've been working towards your whole entire life, in one way or the other, is just a phantom. "Yes, for heavens sake, how depressing it is to think I might be okay as I am right in this moment!!!?" ;) ... because that's how attached we seem to be to that image of "there", and how little recognition of the beauty that's "here".
But the thing is, that is a very clever rouse on thought's part, to be painting it as depressing, when it is actually the MOST freeing thing you could see. How heavy does it seem to never be "there"?? When it takes zero effort to be "here"? (we're pretending you actually have a choice about that, because obviously, you don't! you've never not been here!) :D Do you honestly think that 'help', 'love', 'change' and 'learning' will not continue to be in the storyline, just as it always has? Just in exactly the same way 'going-it-alone', 'fear', 'stuckness', and 'struggling' always have as well? As if one could come without the other?! How mad to think it could!
I've said it before and I'll say it again - there is no label that could hold you. That could make you just one thing, or one way. That's IMPOSSIBLE. You are nothing that could be confined to such a small and solitary description. Just try and find ONE that COVERS IT.
I bet you a gazillion dollars you can't - in fact I bet it's the case you can't even find the words for what you are most of the time. Can you.
So when I worry I've alienated you, or disappointed you, with the way these words appear, I remember... it's not about that. These are just the words that are here right now. They are no better or worse than any others. They are signs on the road, no more or less important.
I am not special. I am not better. I am not worse. And I'm not special for thinking I'm not better or worse. ;) I y'am as I y'am. :D and that's not a personal statement... it's the same as saying 'this is as it is'.
Thought may say you are a player in the play of life, and I'm asking you - what is a player without the play? Does a player exist without a play? What is the play without the players? Does the play exist without players? In other words - do you appear IN life? Or ARE YOU LIFE? Are there really two separate things there at all?
"I am not a tree! I am not a star in the sky!" thought says.... a tree and a star are colors and shapes plus a complicated thought story of what and how and where-from. A person? colors and shapes plus a complicated thought story of what and how and where-from.
Why am I trying to point out that you're not something that can be shoved into measly little labels and descriptions, but are all of life itself??
Because it is the MOST beautiful thing to see that life is just being life, always, and it is NOT apologizing for it to anyone, nor is it waiting on anyones permission or approval to be just exactly as it is. It goes right ahead being this absolute brilliance that you cannot possibly ever understand and yet are in TOTAL AWE OF, even when its messy as hell —
and baby... that's you.
you are precisely the same. utterly inseparable from it.
You are all the beauty. You are all the mess. There is no image, perfect or imperfect, that could hold you in its clutches.
Since when has some IDEA been enough to box you in? Oh hell no!!
You know you're something wild and free
you've always known it, haven't you.