All my life I've had this hunger.
This, insatiable, hunger.
Hunger for more.
Hunger for food, for love, for approval, for success, for dreams, for money, for care, for connection, for people, for places and things of all kinds. It is never ending, this hunger.
The hunger is so huge at times, it terrifies me.
Because it means I cannot trust myself.
Because this hunger is wicked and out of control.
That's what I thought anyway.
That I could not unleash this hunger because it would surely burn my whole. world. down. That this hunger proved me "bad" at the core... a rotten fruit, to be sure.
But today I see my hunger,
as the animal.
I see her as the animal she is.
Wild and lit up... white as fire,
pacing the floor of the cage I confined her to
oh. so. long. ago.
She grows stronger by the day, while I ignore her, in favor of trying to be "good". To be the good little thing the world tells me to be. The pretty little package of constraint and tender sweetness. I want to ignore this hot and howling animal...
but she will not be ignored.
She rips at the cage walls, weakening their boundary,
weakening their boundary, every day.
Until the whole thing comes undone.
And she is sitting there,
heaving breaths, untethered before me... remnants of the cage still all around.
And I recognize, for the first time, that this hunger's not insatiable.
This hunger has simply NEVER been truly allowed to eat.
Even when mountains of all the things she was hungry for were piled up in front of her. Even when she ate herself sick... she was not allowed to eat. Because she was never supposed to have been hungry.
But she was. And she is.
And I AM.
She will not be tamed. I know that now.
She will not be tamed now, or ever.
The animal looks at me...
eyes as deep as a fathom of sea, and glistens there,
calming in her magnitude.
We stare at eachother for the longest while...
taking eachother in, all the way.
And suddenly, and maybe for the
very first time...