Why I Do Things That Wreck Me.


I’ve noticed a theme as of late. In wondering why I continually go back for “more” when I know the thing at hand, totally exhausts me. I know it damn well too!

You know, the usual suspects, and everyone seems to have their own, but it's everything from eating too much sugar to planning crazy get togethers even though you know you're a loner, to one too many, or working way too hard without breaks. It exhausts you, you vow not to do it again, and you go right ahead and do it again.

So why do I do it? Why does anyone?? Knowing FULL WELL how it goes down, and doing it anyway.

And the answer that comes is so simple, it’s been staring me in the face all along: Because I fucking love it.

Obviously!  :D

Maybe it’s because I was taught to believe that we do things that leave us exhausted because we forget what it does to us, or because we’re working out some subconscious issues, or because we haven’t learned to properly care for ourselves yet, but we will. Oh, we will one day! :D

But here’s the problem with that — there is no one, NO ONE, who does not wreck themselves on occasion with varying devices. Exhaust themselves. Tire themselves. Overspend themselves. Overindulge.


Because there is no evidence of this perfected person, it’s a pie in the sky idea. No different than a belief in big foot. I can’t see it, I’ve never seen it - but it’s OUT THERE! Just believe me!!  lol

It’s a chase is all, and as such it’s fine, but I choose to look at the facts as they are, at life AS IT IS, rather than chasing a dreamed up ideal which doesn’t exist here and now. Not the ideas of what it COULD BE, but what it is right here, right now. And I don’t think doing so has any negative bearing on what it could be or will be, I think it just makes it perfectly clear (and therefor funny, and sweet and absolutely endearing) in the only time you’ve EVER got: here now. You can argue for the future, but you never have it, you have now. That’s all you've  ever had.

So I look at now. I look it in the eye. I look at the stories and scenarios exactly as they show up, and all of a sudden it becomes glaringly obvious that I do things that wreck me because I love them, too. “For the love of the game!” as they say.

What a sweet pointer that every experience seems to come bundled complete with its own highs and lows, it’s yin and yang, it’s black and white. One doesn’t come without the other. It quite literally CAN’T.  The most joy you’ve ever felt was led up to by some pretty excruciating lows, now wasn’t it? The most sorrow you’ve ever felt was led up to by some overwhelming highs, isn’t that so?

That’s what life is… this dance of the spectrum. All colors and flavors of it, holding eachother up. Making eachother possible. For YOU. ♥

Why for you? Because you are life, and life is all that’s here. Sun and stars, people and animals, earth and sea and stone... that’s life. The space between them? life.  The particles and nano’s?  life.  The stories and the dreams and pasts and futures?  life.

Call it what you want, it’s you. You can’t take yourself out of it. You can’t exclude yourself from it. And you can’t exclude anything else from it either.

You can’t choose highs and no lows, you can’t choose ease but no stress, you can’t choose love but no grief, you don’t have that option — because they don’t come apart.

Because you don’t come “apart”. Life is this whole mad wonderful mess. You can do nothing with it or for it. You are it.

Making it better, and falling apart, are just more of lifes wondrous dancing. You can’t predict it, or nail it down, you can never get a hold on it, can you.

How precious that you are that free!  Not to be held by ideals or ideas of what you “should be”, not to be caged or boxed into any one definition at all. Free to be all of it, every texture and shade, every hue and way and intonation. Like a stream that's always moving and changing, but is still and always, a stream.

What a gift! ♥

This "never ending story" of you, what an incredible gift.